How To Be A Vampire

We have all heard legends of them, those bloodsuckers of the night. The creatures that live in our closets or under our beds - the fears manifest when we see bats hover overhead in the dark of night. We all fear vampires. Because we fear them, we associate them with strength, with power, and we long to be like them. It is this that is my effort, my goal, which I will realize. But first, we need to go over the rules.

First of all, vampires can only be out at night. They are harmed by sunlight, it burns them, and they die. Tip #1 if you're a vampire is to avoid sunlight at all costs. It hurts like burning and it burns like pain (not T-Pain, but actual pain).

Next up, we'll hit up a couple of rumors. Garlic does nothing. You throw it at a vampire and he laughs. I don't care how much garlic you have, you're probably just going to get a pissed off vampire if you throw garlic at him. The whole rumor that vampires cannot cross running water is also a myth. The other one is the rumor that vampires cannot enter your house unless they are invited - this is also false - otherwise they would not get your blood. This last one is a rumor set up by the vampires so that you don't worry about them and sleep peacefully unaware at night.

Of course, any crazy vampire with some sort of mental disorder could possibly believe that they are subject to one of these old superstitions, but that is another topic for another time. Now with that being said, just about anything being impaled through the heart will completely paralyze a vampire.

From personal experience I can tell you that this totally and completely sucks.

You're fully awake and aware, but you just can't move. It doesn't really matter what you shove into a vampire's heart, as long as you jab it in their real good. Then again, maybe that's just what your vampiric overlords of night want you to believe.

Trying to fight a vampire is a bad idea, because generally speaking they are faster, smarter and significantly stronger than you. I mean, they're undead. Sticking them in the heart or using fire (which is just about as bad as sunlight) is probably your best bet. Though once again, I'd recommend joining the dark side over trying to rise up against the masters of night.

Speaking of which, just how does someone become a vampire. Well, there had to be a first, chicken, egg and all. Next time we'll go over the first vampire.